Musings By Moonlight
by The D.o.D
Summary: Hotohori's thoughts late at night. The concious nightmares that plague him. Slight OOC-nees. Hotohori gets really angsty and depressed.
1. Default Chapter

Author's Note: Hey...it's 11:45pm here in my little town...I'm all alone and thinking about my muse (Hotohori). Just graduated and I'm feeling a bit empty. I started wondering what Hotohori would think late at night...all alone...empty bed...dark room, yeah. I'm an odd one. So, why not write a fic on it, my brain told me. So here I am, writing a fic about Hotohori's thoughts late at night. I no own FY.  
  
Musings By Moonlight  
  
No...I don't want to face reality yet. Let me go back to dreaming. Damn...I can see that consciousness will not loosen its grip on me. My golden eyes scan my empty room. They fall beside me, to my bed. Vacant, as usual. I feel so alone sometimes. Like now, now is definitely one of those times where I feel completely helpless, like a child. And like a child I feel the need to be held. But I am not a child; I am the emperor of Konan. The eighteen-year-old emperor of Konan who is still a virgin and still has yet to bear an heir. I feel like...such a pitiful shell of a man. So many demands unfulfilled. My head hurts; probably from all this thinking at this ungodly hour of the morning. I'll lie down and pray to go back to sleep. Maybe sleep will claim me again. I hate not getting enough sleep...I never feel right.  
  
The emperor lied back down onto his bed and turned onto his side. He shut his golden eyes and tired to fall back to sleep in vain. He rolled over onto his other side and faced the empty side of his bed. He placed an elegant hand on it. It was freezing. Hotohori brushed a lock of brown hair out of his face as he wondered for the ump-teenth time why his bed was not occupied by two bodies. He let out a forlorn sigh and shut his eyes again as his arm slipped gingerly under his pillow. While he appeared to be sleeping, Hotohori's head buzzed with thought.  
  
Why do my prayers still go unanswered? Why has Suzaku not sent me an empress yet? Is it me? Did I commit some horrible, unearthly sin against the gods in my past life? Is that why I'm being punished now? Most likely. Then that's why my dreams have all been shattered in front of me. That's why my bed is still empty. That's why she loves him...  
  
The emperor sat bolt upright in his bed. He knew he wasn't going to get any sleep if he kept thinking such thoughts. So, Hotohori got out of bed and drew his robe around him. He cast a glance around his dark room, sighed, and left his quarters.  
  
Miaka...why? Why him? Why not me? Is it because he's more like you? More...common? Is that why you do not favor me? Because I am royalty and not just an ordinary man?  
  
Hotohori stepped outside onto the balcony and looked out into the gardens. A balmy spring breeze wrapped itself around the emperor. He sighed again and buried his head in his hands.  
  
Its all over. My hopes and dreams for happiness shattered at my feet the moment I watched her touch his lips with her own. Why wasn't it me? Why couldn't I have been the one? I've waited since I was a child for her to come and rescue me from my loneliness. I must have done something wrong in order to be treated like this by Suzaku...  
  
Hotohori pulled his head up and stared into the small fish pond in front of him. His eyes were beginning to redden from crying. He looked at himself in disgust.  
  
I'm hideous when I cry...  
  
A gentle hand tapped his shoulder. He wiped at his face hurriedly and turned around to face the cause of his broken heart.  
  
Why do you have to show up now?! Why now, when I'm miserable and longing for YOU?!  
  
"I heard you crying..." she said timidly. She looked down at her feet. Hotohori's eyes softened.  
  
"Did you?" he asked trying not to sound harsh and cold. She nodded.  
  
"I'm sorry," she said under her breath. Hotohori took her by the shoulders firmly.  
  
"I don't need your pity, damn it!" he whispered callously. She flinched at his tone.  
  
"You know I tried-" she began. Hotohori pushed her away from him.  
  
"I know you tried! But do you think you'd honestly still love me after you looked at him just once after we were married?! Do you?!" he shouted into the night. All his emotions were raging. Here is where he told her what he felt no matter how bad it made her feel. She began to cry. Hotohori looked away from her. "Just leave." Soon, his rival in romance came running out of his room.  
  
"Miaka..." he whispered comfortingly to her as he swept her off her feet and held her in his arms. With one last glare cast in Hotohori's direction he returned to his room. Hotohori listened to the door slide shut before laying his head in his arms and sobbing.  
  
I hate them. Both of them! Her for letting me down, and him for taking my one chance at happiness away. So help me...I'll...  
  
Hotohori shook his head. "No matter how much I may hate them," Hotohori said to himself, "I would never be able to harm them. Ever." With those last words whispered into the wind of the dark, the emperor returned to his room and lied back in his bed. This time, he had no trouble falling asleep, as his tears soaked the pillowcase. 


	2. Can You Forgive Me Again?

A/N: This is a sequel to 'Musings By Moonlight'. I don't own the FY characters or the plot of it, I just like borrowing and twisting. There is definitely OOC-ness. I don't own the Evanescence song 'Forgive Me' either.  
  
~*~ = narrative  
  
Can You Forgive Me?  
  
When I awoke the next morning, my thoughts headed immediately for the previous night and its events. I put a hand to my forehead when I recalled exactly what I had said. I never let my emotions get the better of me, no matter how upset I may be...why did last night have to be the night? Why did Miaka have to be the recipient of my anguish?  
  
Because she's the one who caused my sorrow...  
  
No, I cannot blame her!  
  
But I want to blame something...or someone...  
  
~*~ Hotohori rose from his bed, untwisting himself from the sheets. Once he had dressed, he sat down at his vanity and began brushing his hair. It was there that he tried to figure out what to do about Miaka and Tamahome. ~*~  
  
I cannot believe I was so cold towards Miaka. She must hate me now I wouldn't blame her...not after everything I said to her. I must apologize to Miaka...and Tamahome. My behavior towards them both was unacceptable. I shall seek them out later today. Yes, that's what I'll do. I hope she can forgive me...again.  
  
~*~ The emperor of Konan pulled his hair back and placed the crown on top of his bun. He flashed a fake smile to the mirror, just to make sure it didn't look too forced, and left his chambers. ~*~  
  
Can you forgive me again?  
  
I don't know what I said...  
  
But I didn't mean to hurt you.  
  
I heard the words come out,  
  
I felt that I would die,  
  
It hurt so much to hurt you.  
  
Then you look at me,  
  
You're not shouting anymore,  
  
You're silently broken.  
  
I'd give anything now,  
  
To kill those words for you.  
  
Each time I say something I regret I cry, "I don't want to lose  
you."  
  
But somehow I know that you will never leave me.  
  
~*~ The day progressed slowly for Hotohori, but not slowly enough. He couldn't help think that maybe he shouldn't apologize for fear of upsetting Miaka again. But, his day came to a close and he was free to do what he wished ~*~  
  
This balcony is even lonelier knowing that you're upset, Miaka. I feel awful. Are you as hurt as I am? Do you hate me? Miaka, I'm so sorry. I know what I need to say yet, I cannot put it into words. How DO I apologize to a woman such as you? That's funny, Your Highness. You do not know how to apologize to the woman you love yet you seem to have no trouble apologizing to your ministers. You are truly the most confusing and complex person of the court.  
  
~*~ Hotohori looked out over the balcony and into the gardens. He watched as Nuriko and Chiriko sat reading a scroll under a cherry blossom tree. The emperor sighed sadly. He would have to face Miaka sooner or later. He glanced again at his fellow warriors under the tree and left to go find either Miaka or Tamahome. This wasn't going to be easy. ~*~  
  
Why is Suzaku so harsh on me? I've done everything and more to earn his love! Why must love always go unreturned to one person? Why is that person me? Doesn't she understand that I need her? Miaka...I could love you in ways that are unfathomable! Hnn...I always choose the most inopportune moments to cry, don't I? Damn this heart of mine.  
  
'Cause you were made for me  
  
Somehow I'll make you see  
  
How happy you make me  
  
I can't live this life  
  
Without you by my side  
  
I need you to survive  
  
~*~ Hotohori searched the palace for Miaka. He needed to get rid of his ill feelings quickly or he'd lash out at someone again. The emperor's mind was so much of a mess he nearly passed the very person he was searching for. ~*~  
  
"Miaka!" Hotohori called out as he turned back to his miko. She looked up at him with sadness in her emerald eyes. If it was possible, Hotohori felt even worse when she looked at him. He picked up her hands and held them gently, occasionally running his thumb over the backs of them as he spoke softly to her. "I...I'm so sorry about everything I said last night to you. Even if I was feeling overwhelmed with my duties, I had no right to take it out on you. I never meant to hurt you. And if you can't forgive me, I understand...I wouldn't forgive myself either. You didn't deserve to be treated like that and I'm sorry."  
  
So stay with me  
  
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry.  
  
~*~ The emperor's vision blurred as tears filled his golden eyes. They spilled down his cheeks silently and he never broke eye contact with Miaka. He let go of her hands gently and was about to wipe his tears when his miko wrapped her arms around his waist. He looked down at her in surprise. Miaka's shoulders shook with her sobs. Hotohori rested his head on the top of Miaka's head. ~*~  
  
"I know that you're upset about me and Tamahome," Miaka choked out. Hotohori shut his eyes guiltily. He wasn't a very good liar. "And I thank you for not showing that you're jealous so much. I knew that one day you were bound to tell me how mad at me you were. You shouldn't be asking for my forgiveness, I should be asking for YOURS."  
  
"My behavior was less than inexcusable, Miaka," Hotohori said. Miaka shook her head against his chest.  
  
"No it wasn't, Hotohori. You had every right to say that to me. I'm so mean to you and I don't blame you for hating me for being with Tamahome. Just please, for me, don't be sad anymore? I hate when you're upset. I love you, even if its not romantically, I love you, Hotohori," Miaka began sobbing again. Hotohori's tears had long since stopped and now they began anew. He held Miaka for a while until she stopped crying. She pulled away from her seishi and looked up at him again.  
  
"Shall we forgive and forget?" Hotohori asked, wiping at a stray tear. Miaka nodded. Hotohori smiled. "I think we said all that there was needed to be said, am I right?" Miaka nodded again. Hotohori placed a small kiss on the top of Miaka's head.  
  
"Well...I need to go. I promised Tamahome I'd meet him for lunch!" Miaka said happily. Hotohori shook his head and smiled.  
  
"Miaka, can you do one thing for me?" he asked.  
  
"Sure, what is it?" Miaka replied. Hotohori blushed a bit.  
  
"Tell me you love me again, please," he requested. Miaka put her lips by Hotohori's ear and whispered,  
  
"I love you, Hotohori." She placed a small kiss on his cheek and turned to go find Tamahome. "See you later, Hotohori!" she said waving. Hotohori just stood there on the deck, rooted to the spot, blushing. He smiled and turned to go back to his chambers.  
  
"I love you, too, Miaka," he whispered.  
  
And you forgive me again,  
  
You're my one true friend,  
  
And I never meant to hurt you.  
  
~*~*~OWARI~*~*~  
  
A/N: Sappy, ne? 


End file.
